Author: TheBrentmeisterGeneral
“Go to a little town in Wales, turn up in Lampeter with Richard Blackwood, and go, Oi, everybody! Little surprise for you. Richard Blackwood. They’re gonna go, What are you doing here? And not in a racist way. They’re happy to see him. He’s welcome ’cause he’s famous.”
“You know, like poor Noel Edmonds. People going, What’s he doing going round hospitals at Christmas giving out presents? He’s doing it for himself, isn’t he? He’s not doing it for himself! He’s doing it for them. He’s not doing it at all any more. He can’t get on telly for love nor money. But when he did it, he did it for them.”
“Yeah, doing more of these, doing my walks for Mencap. And I’ve got lots of stuff in the pipeline.”
“You see all these white middle-class fuddy-duddies going we’ve got to find the new equivalent. And they’re looking in Oxford and Cambridge. Dr Dre, Ice-T. They’re the equivalent of Wordsworth.”
“No! I don’t go cold-calling, trying to sell people clothes pegs and dusters. do sell dusters, but that’s about five per cent of what, you know, we do.”
”Pug-nosed gimp. Lard boy. And I go, Yeah? What have you ever done on telly? Nothing. So don’t. Absolutely Flabulous.”
“Caught me in me local fruit-and-veg emporium.”
“Put ‘Brent is refreshingly laid-back for a man with such responsibility.”
“If you want the rainbow, you’ve got to part with the rain. Do you know which philosopher said that? Dolly Parton. And people say she’s just a pair of tits.”
“’Strings to Brent’s bow. A) Philanthropist.”
“You won’t win a Pulitzer for filth.”
“My world does not end with these four walls. Slough’s a big place. When I’ve finished with Slough, there’s Reading, Aldershot, Bracknell. Didcot, Yateley. You know. Winnersh. Taplow. Because I am my own boss. Burghfield.”
“I can’t imagine Jesus going, I’ve told a few people here in Bethlehem I’m the son of god, can I just stay at home with mum and dad now. No, you’ve got to move on. You’ve got to spread the word. You’ve got to go to Nazareth…please. And that’s very much like me.”
“If you’re wondering what that meeting was just about in there. That’s it. I’ve been made redundant. Yeah. After it was me who saved others from redundancy. And then it’s back… The good die young.”
“If that’s it, can you leave now, please? I’ve got stuff to do. I’ve got laughter to give, I’ve got money to raise. Mouths to feed. Thanks for your time.”
“You’re looking at the jigsaw that it is through a keyhole when you should be…”
“All the money collected is for both dances – both excellent dances in their way. Mine was impromptu, but I don’t think you should get extra points for that. Make your own minds up.”
“I’ve fused ‘Flashdance’ with MC Hammer shit.”
“If you wanted dancing, you should have come to me.”
Probably put a number up there, shall we? If people want to make donations.
“There’s people watching going, oi, Brent! Why are you bothering with Comic Relief? There’s still people starving. That’s why I’m still doing it.”
“Pizza? Yeah? Never mind Pizza Express, what about beer express? Next stop, drunkenness! We can go anywhere you want.”
“I’m spent. I am now going to make like a banana and split! He got it.”
“When I get wasted, I go to munchie-city, so I’m mad enough without the gear as well. I’ll take a rain check.”
“We’re off on our date. It’s not a date. I’m paying her. What sort of date is that? And £100. What would I get for that? Not that I would. Everything, I imagine.”
“I’m performing as I want to. It’s a good performance. Let’s agree to disagree.”
“What is ‘better?’ On a graph of people versus task, where does the line go?”
“It’s like bloody ‘Dead Poet’s Society’ when they all stand on the tables I wouldn’t want them on the tables – it’s against Health and Safety.”
“Um I’m an educator. I’m a motivator of people. I excite their imaginations.”
“If it’s in you, I’ll find it. That’s actually what I do. I just point out what you’ve already got. I’m like a spiritual guide.”
“Absolutement.”
“15 minutes! That’s That’s £1,200 an hour pro rata. That’s the sort of fee I’d be looking at. Yeah.”
“Bunsen burner – nice little earner.”
“What sort of bunce is it?”