Category: Season 1
“We’re like one big organism, one big animal. Yeah? The guys upstairs on the phone – they’re the mouth. The guys down here, the hands.- And what part are you? – Good question.Probably the humour.”
“A word that I think’s important in management called morale.”
“Changed many things, really. In a global sense, streamlining, the whole ongoing enterprise of it.”
“He was in an argument once and he went, “How can I hate women? My mum’s one.”
“We’re all on-line here. Hooked up to the Worldwide Web – Internet. No shopping”
“Yeah? If you were to ask me to name three geniuses, I probably wouldn’t say Einstein, Newton You know. I’d go Milligan, Cleese, Everett. Sessions.”
“I will not have her tunnel bandied around this office willy nilly.”
“Who’s in charge?” Guilty! Get a new rule book!”
“Whilst getting the job done, they’re having a laugh at work with the Sword of Damocles hanging over them.”
“We are the most efficient branch – cogito ergo sum – we’ll be fine.”
“Er What am I meant to have stolen? Post-It notes. Post-It notes? What are they worth, about 12p? – Got your Bible on you, Ricky? – No. Thou shalt not steal unless it’s only 12p.You steal a thousand Post-It notes at 12p, you’ve made… profit?”
“But, er I suppose I’ve created an atmosphere where I’m a friend first and a boss second. Probably an entertainer third.”
“You’ve seen the vibe. Chilled out.”
“I don’t care if you’re black, brown, yellow – Orientals make very good workers, for example.”
“No, I don’t have a great many ethnic employees, that’s true, but it’s not company policy. I haven’t got a sign on the door that says, “White people only.”
“It’s not you, it’s the other one.”
“Meeting a-journed.”
“What upsets me about the job? Um Wasted talent, yeah? People could come to me and they could go, David, you’ve been in the business twelve years. Can you spare us a moment to tell us how to run a team? How to keep them task-orientated as well as happy. But they don’t. That’s the tragedy.”
“Yeah? It’s like Comic Relief. Yeah? I’m out here in Africa – I’m seeing the flies and the starvation – and she – if she is the boss – she’s in the studio with Jonathan Ross and Lenny Henry. They’re doing their bit counting the money, but their hands are clean, while I’m down here in the office with little starving kids.”
“Jennifer might come down once a week. Jennifer Taylor-Clark. We call her Camilla Parker-Bowles! Not to her face. Not ’cause I’m scared of her.”
“You’re fired, Keenan. Drunkard. Hypocrite warning. Oh, God. What’s he been saying? It’s all true. Guilty as charged.”
“And professionalism is… and that is what I want, OK?”
“El vino did flow.”
“They go, “We’ve never worked in a place like this. You’re such a laugh. You get the best out of us. And I go C’est la vie. If that’s true, excellent.”
“I’d say, at one time or another, every bloke in the office has woken up at the crack of Dawn! “
“Has he passed his forklift driver’s test? He gives the tests.”
“Sammy, you old slag. It’s the Brentmeister General.”
“The point is you talk the talk, but do not walk the walk, vis-a-vis you’ve not yet passed your forklift driver’s test.”