Category: Xmas Special
“Well you jumped in my grave so quickly”
“Variety is the spice of life, and all that. Living la vida loca.”
“The reason women wear necklaces is to draw attention to the breasts”
“I think they should have to have their picture taken with a copy of todays newspaper”
“In fact, I’m thinking of asking for my money back under the Trades Descriptions Act because this is the recent photo she sent in.”
“Throwing water, plastic bottles, underpants. One bloke threw a pair of Y-fronts, hit me in the face. I knew it was Nutella or Marmite he’d smeared on the gusset, but it was still him going, we think you’re shit.”
“Simply as the man who put a smile on the face of all who he met.”
“Yeah! I’m expecting a blind date and I was worried you were it! No.”
“I thought she’d be one of them happy, bubbly ones ’cause they’re eating. She’s bleugghh! Nothing.”
“It’s not a trick, is it, knowledge, education?”
“Uh, Pound for pound, there’s more sugar in a lemon than a strawberry.”
“Not as good as Beethoven. He’s generally considered to be the best.”
“So then we evolved and probably turned you over when language came in, to either chat or just to look at the breasts that reminded us of the buttocks.”
“No, your necklace! I wasn’t… Don’t think so! Although the reason women wear necklaces is to draw attention to the breasts.”
“Money for old rope. You saw how many idiots paid eight quid each. So call me a wanker! They’re the wanker. I’m just taking the money.”
“Go to a little town in Wales, turn up in Lampeter with Richard Blackwood, and go, Oi, everybody! Little surprise for you. Richard Blackwood. They’re gonna go, What are you doing here? And not in a racist way. They’re happy to see him. He’s welcome ’cause he’s famous.”
“You know, like poor Noel Edmonds. People going, What’s he doing going round hospitals at Christmas giving out presents? He’s doing it for himself, isn’t he? He’s not doing it for himself! He’s doing it for them. He’s not doing it at all any more. He can’t get on telly for love nor money. But when he did it, he did it for them.”
“Yeah, doing more of these, doing my walks for Mencap. And I’ve got lots of stuff in the pipeline.”
“You see all these white middle-class fuddy-duddies going we’ve got to find the new equivalent. And they’re looking in Oxford and Cambridge. Dr Dre, Ice-T. They’re the equivalent of Wordsworth.”
“No! I don’t go cold-calling, trying to sell people clothes pegs and dusters. do sell dusters, but that’s about five per cent of what, you know, we do.”
”Pug-nosed gimp. Lard boy. And I go, Yeah? What have you ever done on telly? Nothing. So don’t. Absolutely Flabulous.”