Category: Season 1
“Why should they be worried? Yeah. They trust me implicitly. I’ve said there are not going to be redundancies, so that becomes gospel.”
“It’s like if you’re cleaning a floor and you’re up against it, then come to me and I’ll help us clean our floor together”
“They’ve made you a partner? That’ll be Wernham Hogg Taylor Clark.”
“I’m not doing this for an Esther Rantzen Heart of Gold, or if Esther’s handing out awards, then do it for my charity work. Five fun runs in two years.”
“Could be used as confetti, yeah. Check with the vicar first, always.”
“Um Well, there’s good news and bad news. The bad news is Neil will be taking over both branches and some of you will lose your jobs. Those of you who are kept on will have to relocate to Swindon I know, I know. Gutting. Gutting. You didn’t see me. On a more positive note, the good news is I’ve been promoted. So every cloud. You’re still thinking about the bad news.”
“You don’t need luck when you’ve got 71% of the population behind you.”
“Wernham Hogg is one big pie and if I’m in charge of that big pie, I’ll be in charge of The people are the fruit.”
“Yeah, but there is the emotion as ‘good in business’ syndrome, sure, notwithstanding the cruel to be kind scenario.”
“Jennifer is coming in midday today, Greenwich Mean Time. She will have the verdict then.”
“Me – lager. Finchy – lager. Gareth – lager, sometimes cider. So Different drinks for different needs.”
“I’m taking them into battle, and I’m doing my own stapling.”
“Who’s to say that hiring staff won’t save money in the long run? Does a struggling salesman start turning up on a bicycle? No. He turns up in a newer car. Perception, yeah? They’ve got to trust me.”
“The ‘bosses’ are panicking. They’re going, Oh, cut back, lose staff. That’s the way forward. That’ll save money. Will it?”
“She’ll brighten up the place, won’t she? If she gets the job. So will you. Because you’re both equal. No foregone conclusion. Based on interview and merit. It is up to me, ultimately, but good luck. You’ll do well to impress me.”
“Chill out, shall we, please?”
“Ipso facto. Trust received, responsibility given and taken.”
“What’s the vibe in the second half?”
“Well, I’ve got a lot of them on demo from the band days, but they’re about ten years old, so if I put them out, I’d have to lay down some drum and bass shit on ’em. Sample shit.”
“I’m sure Texas couldn’t run and manage a successful paper merchants. I couldn’t do what.. Actually, I could do what they do, and I think they knew it back then. Probably what spurred them on.”
“Oh, David, you’re a brilliant singer-songwriter. You’re stuck in Slough while Texas are off making all the money, and they’re rubbish compared to you. I go, ‘Don’t slag them off.”
“Were we successful? I’ll let you judge that when I tell you that we were once supported by a little-known Scottish outfit called Texas.”
“Lyrics man, mainly, but you know, the music came easy as well, so OK.”
“Anything that could be conceived of to happen or not, within my realm, you know then probably some sort of everlasting life.”
“There is no 362 in this hotel. Sometimes the complaints will be false.”
“I think there’s been a rape up there! I got his attention. Get their attention.”
“It’s illegal to destroy or burn anything containing the Queen’s image of the realm.”
“A good idea is a good idea forever.”
“They went, Oh, yeah, you’re right. Well done. You’ve won. Sorry. No apologies necessary. Let’s get on with the quiz.”
“Mr Spock is half Vulcan, half human, OK? And Gareth went, Oh, everyone gets one point, but I said, No, everyone does not! Carpet Munchers don’t get a point, Dr Wankenstein doesn’t. Stephen Hawking’s Football Boots don’t. I do.”
“This lot sound like they haven’t read a book between them! College boys.”
“You know we were talking earlier about Dostoevsky? – Oh, yeah? – Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky. Born 1821. Died 1881”
“If someone’s unlucky, you go, “I’m not saying he’s unlucky, “but if he fell in a barrel full of tits, “he’d come up sucking his own thumb.”
“We’re just cracking up, and people watching go, Why is that funny? We tell them why and they go, Yeah. You are the best.”