“I am telling this to everyone. I do not want you going ‘oh that’s it, we’re out of here, there’s no point.’ Or walking round with your shoulders hunched.”
“If you want the rainbow, you’ve got to part with the rain. Do you know which philosopher said that? Dolly Parton. And people say she’s just a pair of tits.”
“My world does not end with these four walls. Slough’s a big place. When I’ve finished with Slough, there’s Reading, Aldershot, Bracknell. Didcot, Yateley. You know. Winnersh. Taplow. Because I am my own boss. Burghfield.”
“I can’t imagine Jesus going, I’ve told a few people here in Bethlehem I’m the son of god, can I just stay at home with mum and dad now. No, you’ve got to move on. You’ve got to spread the word. You’ve got to go to Nazareth…please. And that’s very much like me.”
“If you’re wondering what that meeting was just about in there. That’s it. I’ve been made redundant. Yeah. After it was me who saved others from redundancy. And then it’s back… The good die young.”
“If that’s it, can you leave now, please? I’ve got stuff to do. I’ve got laughter to give, I’ve got money to raise. Mouths to feed. Thanks for your time.”
“All the money collected is for both dances – both excellent dances in their way. Mine was impromptu, but I don’t think you should get extra points for that. Make your own minds up.”
“There’s people watching going, oi, Brent! Why are you bothering with Comic Relief? There’s still people starving. That’s why I’m still doing it.”
“Pizza? Yeah? Never mind Pizza Express, what about beer express? Next stop, drunkenness! We can go anywhere you want.”
“When I get wasted, I go to munchie-city, so I’m mad enough without the gear as well. I’ll take a rain check.”
“We’re off on our date. It’s not a date. I’m paying her. What sort of date is that? And £100. What would I get for that? Not that I would. Everything, I imagine.”
“It’s like bloody ‘Dead Poet’s Society’ when they all stand on the tables I wouldn’t want them on the tables – it’s against Health and Safety.”
“If it’s in you, I’ll find it. That’s actually what I do. I just point out what you’ve already got. I’m like a spiritual guide.”
“Beefy will happily say, ‘That’s what I think of your selection policy. Yes, I’ve hit the odd copper, enjoyed the odd doobie. But will you piss off and leave me alone cause i’m walking to John O’Groats for some spastics”
“If there’s one other person who’s influenced me in that way of thinking – someone who’s a maverick, who does that to the system – it’s lan Botham.”